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Sunday, April 11, 2021

Dumb, dumber, dumbest: 5 paddling faux pas

The right way to unload and inflate...away from vehicle lanes

A list of ways some discourteous folks can quickly spoil…

…a beautiful day on the water. Kayakers, paddle boarders and canoeists are flocking to shorelines in record numbers this spring, But some of them know just how to pour cold water on what should be a nice day in a natural setting.

Warning: The following includes snark-castic commentary that may offend some. Probably the ones described herein. My top five examples of breaking bad on our waterways: 

1. Leave your inflatable paddle board, kayak or raft smack dab in the middle of a vehicle launch lane on a busy weekend. This will block anyone else from dropping off their larger, heavier boat while your crappy pump takes forever to inflate a lightweight craft. Yes, the one that could have been easily carried from yards away. 

2. On the water, crank up that boom box to full volume so that anyone within 100 yards can appreciate your choice of  “music.” Of course, since the “music” is so loud, you must yell back and forth with your companions, so the rest of us – and our children – can learn all about your recent STD diagnosis, not to mention those favorite cuss words. 

3. Turn wildlife tame by feeding them junk food. Because you really need to lure that Canada goose in for a selfie. They are quick learners, too, and will soon become more aggressive than a downtown panhandler. In the alternative, terrorize those baby ducklings by paddling too close. 

Bobbing for trash in the American River 


4. Throw your trash
in the water. Paper or plastic? Don’t fret, either one can pollute! Though paper may dissolve into a gooey mess, plastic remains nearly intact forever. And since all water eventually leads to the sea, here’s your chance to contribute to that giant island of trash growing in the Pacific Ocean.

5. Last but not least, don’t forget the alcoholic beverages. Nothing impairs your mental or physical capabilities as well as booze. In the event of an emergency, you will feel so much more relaxed while rescuers put their lives at risk for you. After all, even when you venture into deep water, you’re still in the shallow end of the gene pool. 

© Glenn Brank, 2021